Beware the Ides of March

Greetings all, from my solemn corner of the universe.

You see, every year I can’t help but heed the warning that Julius Caesar famously ignored: Beware Ides of March… for it means you will have aged another year!

Yes, I was born on the fateful date of March 15, which is rapidly approaching. Meaning that soon, I will reluctantly partake in some bad-for-you birthday traditions.

No, I am not going to go out and abuse my body– unless you count mental anguish.

See, said traditions are sufficiently depressing as to warrant inclusion in a “happy birthday” email to someone you despise.

When I lived in the dorms, there was this girl Amy, also was born on the Ides of March, who tried to steal my boyfriend. To show my gratitude, I was going to dedicate the song “Unhappy Birthday” to her on our de-facto college station, 91x. Now I realize that I could have sent her this– my list of birthday traditions– instead. Am I a masochist er what?

No seriously– it’s truly horrible.

But what the hell!

If you, like me, are the sort of person who likes to make lemonade out of lemons, then by all means, go ahead: Copy the text in this guide as part of birthday e-card! But only if the person really deserves it. I’m counting on you to use good judgment, people!

Turning another year older today? Celebrate by starting these birthday traditions!

Why don’t you…

1. Think of all the things you had planned to have done by this age but haven’t!
2. Compare yourself to others of the same age, and find your own accomplishments lacking!
3. Attempt to close this gap (things you have accomplished v. things you’d planned on accomplishing) by writing a list of resolutions for the upcoming year!
4. Become so overwhelmed by the length of said list that you don’t even attempt to follow through, adding fuel to the fire for next year’s traditions!

I take solace in the fact that I’m not alone. According to Shane Watson in the Sunday Times, all women do this, regardless of their individual levels of acheivement. She blames the “grass is greener” phenom for our eternal dissatisfaction.

I comfort myself with the thought that even if I had checked off more of those “by age x” boxes, I’d still be depressed.

Some of the article’s commenters blamed murky gender role definition for the same. According to one guy, women are pulled in too many directions, and don’t know who to be, which obviously leads to not doing anything well.

I was totally with him on this until he said that women should all just concentrate on being what they are really supposed to be- baby making and raising machines.

Hey dude, have I got a woman for you!

She’s an overacheiver (by your standards) who looks like Angelina Jolie to boot!